5 Surprising People That Will Drink You Under the Table

In life, there are always people that you just know not to drink with. You’re aware of the types I’m talking about–frat boys, biker gangs, Hemingway … Through extensive research, capped off by my experience at a formal affair this weekend, I’ve compiled a list of the people (and groups of people) who will drink you under the table. But, I mean, if it’s between Hemingway’s raging ghost and someone listed, pick Hemingway’s ghost.

Law Students

I had the great honor of attending a law school formal this weekend. The five hour open bar should have tipped me off, but it was the copious amount of broken glass, drunken debauchery and loss of clothing that really clued me in. I’d always taken law students to be a sedate bunch–smart and hard-working. Turns out they can also knock it back like you would not believe. I switched to water just as the gentleman to my left was taking off his tie. And by tie I mean shirt. His tie had been off for a while. You’ve been warned.

Your Aged Aunt

Do you have a 90-year-old relative? Turns out, the Laws of Life state that, after you turn 85, you are no longer required to give a fuck. Day drinking is encouraged and showing up the younger generation is mandatory. Is that a whiskey sour in her hand? Switch to soda. Now.

Girls in Pearls

It’s important to note that any old necklace just won’t do. It’s the girls in pearls that you have to watch out for. Girls in pearls know a thing or two about propriety, having been constrained by it for pretty much all of eternity. Which also means that girls in pearls have a reason to drink. And they have the strength and fortitude that only come from years of perfect posture and old family money.

High Schoolers in the Suburbs

I didn’t drink in high school. This was due mostly in part to the fact that no one really liked me so I never, you know, got invited anywhere. Actually, that’s entirely why I didn’t drink in high school. Turns out ‘tweens and teens in wealthy suburbia have vodka flowing through their veins only a few years after their booster shots. GET A JOB.

Charlize Theron

Just look at her. Just look. You can tell.

Who has drunk you under the table? Let us know in the comments!

You can contact Sarah, the author of this post, at sarah@nottheitgirls.com.

3 thoughts on “5 Surprising People That Will Drink You Under the Table

  1. It’s so true about law students. I started law school having just turned 22 and really sick of the college “Holy shit drinking is fun!” mentality. And then I got to encounter the law school “Holy shit drinking is fun, the one thing that makes me edgy, and justifiable due to my work load, which I will spend the next twenty minutes describing to you in grueling detail.” It’s not that I don’t like drinking; I’m just not impressed by it as a hobby in others.

  2. i dated a lawyer. on our first date we drank 12 lyche martinis. there was no way in hell i was going to let that SOB out drink me.

    girls in pearls sounds funny. in a you know what kind of way

  3. A couple of years ago I met up with a college friend in Oslo. We wanted to go to a bar. The bar he said would be the most fun? The one run by the law school. And he was not wrong.

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