In life, there are always people that you just know not to drink with. You’re aware of the types I’m talking about–frat boys, biker gangs, Hemingway … Through extensive research, capped off by my experience at a formal affair this weekend, I’ve compiled a list of the people (and groups of people) who will drink you under the table. But, I mean, if it’s between Hemingway’s raging ghost and someone listed, pick Hemingway’s ghost.
I had the great honor of attending a law school formal this weekend. The five hour open bar should have tipped me off, but it was the copious amount of broken glass, drunken debauchery and loss of clothing that really clued me in. I’d always taken law students to be a sedate bunch–smart and hard-working. Turns out they can also knock it back like you would not believe. I switched to water just as the gentleman to my left was taking off his tie. And by tie I mean shirt. His tie had been off for a while. You’ve been warned.
Your Aged Aunt
Do you have a 90-year-old relative? Turns out, the Laws of Life state that, after you turn 85, you are no longer required to give a fuck. Day drinking is encouraged and showing up the younger generation is mandatory. Is that a whiskey sour in her hand? Switch to soda. Now.
Girls in Pearls
It’s important to note that any old necklace just won’t do. It’s the girls in pearls that you have to watch out for. Girls in pearls know a thing or two about propriety, having been constrained by it for pretty much all of eternity. Which also means that girls in pearls have a reason to drink. And they have the strength and fortitude that only come from years of perfect posture and old family money.
High Schoolers in the Suburbs
I didn’t drink in high school. This was due mostly in part to the fact that no one really liked me so I never, you know, got invited anywhere. Actually, that’s entirely why I didn’t drink in high school. Turns out ‘tweens and teens in wealthy suburbia have vodka flowing through their veins only a few years after their booster shots. GET A JOB.
Just look at her. Just look. You can tell.
Who has drunk you under the table? Let us know in the comments!
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