A Good Queef is Hard to Find

Everybody has bad days. You’re probably having one right now. Luckily, a close friend pointed out to me some time ago that by inserting the word “queef” into an otherwise well known title, idiom, etc., it becomes possible to make it through what would normally be just another shitty day without wanting to die of self-inflicted puncture wounds. Bookstores are really good places to practice the art of queefing:

From childhood classics,

to self-help standbys,

to stuff my dad likes,

to Shakespeare,

to books that are full of relationship advice I’ll never read,

to classic short stories,

to books I was really meh about,

the possibilities of what you can queef are endless.

Now that you know this simple yet effective tool, Oh, the Places You’ll Queef! And books are just the beginning: start writing your own Requiem for a Queef with whatever media you see around you. (Though you can’t do much better than “Queefy Fingers,” the entire Rolling Stones discography is worth a look).

Even though there will be bullshit days where you have to do bullshit things for bullshit reasons, the man who queefs early and queefs often, often has the last queef. Just remember–you may only live once, but you can queef as many times as you like.

Bonus: Post your own queefy adaptation in the comments!

You can contact Brittany, the author of this post, at brittanyeshaffer@gmail.com.

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