I’d like to think I’m pretty badass. Bleeding profusely doesn’t faze me, I don’t have a problem with needles, and intravenous medicine? No sweat. I’m too small to give blood, but one time I had to get seven tubes taken in one sitting. Not a problem. I got a neon Band-Aid and a cookie. Even the sight of gruesome dead bodies in my 12th grade Forensic Science class didn’t freak me out. And boy, were they brutal. But there are a few things in this world that have me running for the hills, screaming, and they don’t even make any sense. Not one bit. I’ll perpetuate the stereotype here and say it’s because I’m female and I’m allowed to be completely nonsensical. Get your brave pants on because we’re going in.
I’m going to have nightmares from just writing this paragraph and, sadly, I’m not kidding. I don’t know what the zombie craze is all about but I am absolutely petrified of them. I’m fully aware that it’s completely irrational and that zombies aren’t a legitimate threat and that I should probably be more afraid of oh, I don’t know, real life things that can kill me. But just seeing a commercial for The Walking Dead has actually left me in tears. I caught the first 12 seconds of the show at the bar on Sunday night and, if I may quote myself, “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, NOPE!” Thank God I’d paid my bill already. Zombies are terrifying and disgusting and I just can’t and now I’m freaking out a little bit talking this much about them so I’m going to move on.
I know what you’re thinking, and I’m sure it’s “Ha ha, Sarah, that’s hilarious.” No, it’s not. Owls are not hilarious. Owls are fucking terrifying. My discomfort with owls started when I watched Frozen Planet last year on a giant HDTV. It was an incredible series, truly, and I highly recommend it but, perhaps, there are some things you shouldn’t record in HD. Like owls landing. Because have you seen owl legs? No? I’ll give you a second to Google them. They are horrifying and scary and demonic. While we’re on the topic of demonic, have you seen owl eyes? It was a photo of an owl with yellow eyes staring daggers into the camera that I randomly found online that scared the living daylights out of me. I literally jumped out of my chair and yelped. And how about their terrible little pointy feather “horns?” Oh my God, owls are the worst.
I’m a pretty weak swimmer to start with, so perhaps this isn’t quite unexpected. Still, as I grew into an adult with brains and the ability to rationally overthink the shit out of things, I realized that I am point blank terrified of the ocean. Why? Well, for one thing, when you’re swimming you sometimes can’t touch the bottom. Why? BECAUSE IT’S AN OCEAN. There’s no comforting thought of having something to touch down on because there’s nothing there. Good luck slipping in between tectonic plates and dying because the ocean is just murderous. And do you know what kind of creatures live in the ocean? The most terrifying creatures. (Owls excluded. If owls lived in the ocean I’d never leave the house again.) Don’t believe me? Google the Mariana Trench. Actually, don’t. You’re welcome.
I can’t explain this one, so don’t ask.
What are you irrationally afraid of? Let us know in the comments!