We Have a New Pope

I’m a lot of things. I’m eccentric, I’m a walking allergic reaction, I’m chatty, and I’m obsessed with John Lennon. Less commonly known to those three of you who aren’t friends and family members guilted into reading this is that I’m also Catholic. These days, it’s more of a box I would check as opposed to Episcopalian or Baptist but, boy, when I was a youngin’ I was all about church, man.

Ever heard of altar boys? Well it’s a new age, now, and we actually call them altar servers. Because girls can do anything boys can do (Spoiler alert: I was an altar server). Did you know that, if you altar served at a wedding, you’d often get tipped? I don’t know if God frowned upon that or what but I totally made bank off of other people’s happiness. It was great.

I was also a lector. I told this to someone the other day and he immediately, without pause, asked if that meant I was related to Hannibal Lector. Weirdly, that famed villain of pop culture is NOT the first thing I think of when I hear “lector” … because church lectors are the people who read out loud to the congregation during Mass à la Jim Gaffigan (“Dear Apostles, How was your weekend? Sure is hot here. Tell Jesus, ‘hey.’ … This is the word of the Lord.”).

Anyway, the moral of this story is that I’m a baptized, first communioned, and confirmed Catholic complete with ridiculously exaggerated guilt, a shit ton of rosary beads, and a partially tortured Irish ancestry.

And now I’ve got myself a brand new pope. Did you know that millions of people live and die during the rule of a single pope but I’m only 26 and I’m already on my third? Am I doing it wrong? Why was Benedict so flaky?! At least John Paul had the decency to live out his days in office like a proper pope–at least, what we like to think of as a proper pope.

This new pope, Pope Frank (to his friends), sounds like an interesting guy. As of yet I haven’t decided if he’s interesting like someone’s grandpa or interesting like Dick Cheney i.e. the kind of interesting that makes you want to throw up and hide in fear. It’s only been two days since the world has heard of this guy and I keep hearing anti-gay accusations flying around among liberals. I don’t take kindly to that type of nonsense so, if he’s got the classic Catholic closemindedness that I’ve somehow successfully avoided I’ll be very disappointed by the lack of progress my church has made. I won’t be that surprised, but I’ll definitely be disappointed.

I sincerely hope that P.F. turns out to be a wonderful pontiff who works toward the equality of all people since I firmly believe–if there’s a God–that He loves us all regardless of race, creed, gender, or sexual orientation (although he definitely loves modern country music fans less).

However, if Frank lets me down in this field, I’ll try and get it right with pope #4.

I leave you with this gem. Amen.

You can contact Alex, the author of this post, at alex@nottheitgirls.com.

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